This isn’t the time to panic. (Please let me know when the time arrives!)

The state of Kansas has added ammonia to our drinking water and is restricting what will be taught in my children’s science classes.
Leading media experts tell me that the cases of skin cancer are rising in children but if coat them in sun screen, they may not absorb the necessary vitamin D from the sun.
My daughter is kissing boys on school field trips! (She is already enrolled in Catholic school!) As she just completed first grade, I don’t think we’re talking commitments yet but the fact that she will kiss a boy that she does not have “a crush” on just because he says “please” has me a little concerned about future developments.
As I see it, I have two choices:
I can lock my children in the basement with ultraviolet light bulbs and fortified milk. Here I can home school them and be certain that they are presented with all available theories on how they arrived on this planet. (While we are down there, they will be safe from the harmful UV rays outside that are getting through due to the hole in our protective ozone layer). This method of education will prevent any socializing with “cute” members of the opposite sex as well as any perceived imbalance in the nutrition of the school lunches. For recreation, we will literally climb the walls.
OR
I can serve my children KoolAid and Twinkies and send them outside to play in traffic. It is summer vacation after all. If they meet enough kids in the neighborhood, surely some well-meaning child will tell my daughter about the very real threat of cooties!